I was asked in a semi-oblique way to explain about hiking naked. Some people have a great amount of trepidation about hiking naked – the fear of 'getting caught,' among other things. So I have decided to write down my own rules for hiking naked. Please bear in mind that these are my rules, not THE RULES, and you are not governed by them unless you choose to be. So they are not rules per se, they are more like guidelines. Feel free to adopt any or all of them, but when you are done they will be your rules, not mine.
If God had wanted humankind to be naked we would have been born that way.
GENERAL
The purpose of hiking is to hike, to get out in the open air and expose yourself to the natural world, to see a new trail or revisit an old one. It is just a hike and, hopefully, not an adventure. For most guys, whether or not we are honest enough to admit it, true adventure requires an even chance of death – sort of like any visit to the United States these days. Women are usually much smarter about such matters.
The purpose of hiking naked is to maximize your own personal freedom and to be closer to nature. Its purpose IS NOT to shock, dismay, annoy or alarm non-naturists.
DO NOT hike naked in hunting season.
Numbers matter. Numbers are self-validating. Hiking as a couple or in a group is far better than hiking alone. Hiking in a mixed group is by far the best option. There is a calculus of suspicion within the minds of non-naturists that runs something like this:
– one man hiking naked alone is a pervert of some kind
– two men hiking naked are gay
– a group of men hiking naked are probably a gay gang
– one woman hiking naked alone is a target for harassment or worse
– two women hiking naked are much less of a target for harassment
– a group of women hiking naked are far less of a target for harassment
– a mixed gender couple hiking naked is self-validating and not dangerous
– a mixed gender group hiking naked is self-validating and not dangerous
In terms of traffic volume on the trails weekdays are far better than weekends. Holiday weekends during school vacation are the worst possible times to hike naked.
THE LAW
I am not a lawyer. The following two observations are, I believe, correct. They do not constitute legal advice. If you want legal advice go to a lawyer.
Under Canadian law as it exists currently the following are your best bases for a successful defence in the unlikely event of prosecution:
1. that the location was sufficiently isolated that you felt you had a reasonable expectation of privacy. This point has already been established in law as a legal defence; and
2. that you did not intend to insult or offend any person and either covered up or offered to do so.
Women who choose to hike topless are breaking no law. This has been affirmed in principle by the Ontario courts and upheld in the courts of British Columbia. In keeping with the Common Law the same should hold true in all provinces except, perhaps, Québec, which has a different legal foundation.
LOCATIONS
Know the area in which you are hiking.
DO NOT hike close to inhabited areas.
Know the route, the access points, the relative frequency of usage.
Use trail maps of the area if they are available.
Long horizons and open spaces are good but be aware of your environment and be prepared to react appropriately.
Once you have found a reasonably workable area for naked hiking DO NOT BLAB it all over the internet or you will no longer have it. Feel free to share the information with friends whom you actually know IN PERSON – imaginary friends on Facebook don’t count.
BEHAVIOUR
On arrival at the access point if the parking lot has several cars in it be aware that you are not alone on the trail. You might want to reconsider the project for the day.
If the parking lot is empty and the trail is a single track in and out, you’re likely golden on the outbound leg; use greater caution on the return trip.
If the parking lot is empty and the trail is a single loop in and out you’re likely golden as far as the midpoint; use more caution on the back half of the route.
Act naturally! What you are doing is perfectly natural, just somewhat unusual. If you can think outside the box you can live outside the clothes.
Be polite. There are two universally polite greetings along the trail: “Good morning” and “Good afternoon” – being naked does not change this.
If someone says something ignorant to you gently return the favour by ignoring them. DO NOT engage in a slanging match.
DO NOT annoy the textiles! Cover up when you have time to do so.
When you don’t have time to cover up step off the trail and put a respectful distance between yourself and the textiles.
Watch your back, so to speak, check your back trail from time to time in case there is a troop of Girl Guides or a hungry bear coming up from behind.
Don’t annoy the bears either, ditto all other wildlife.
Keep your eyes open and your ears too. This is no less important when hiking clothed as naked. When you are in the forest and you hear the approach of hoofbeats moose are far more probable than horses.
Keep your eyes on the trail ahead. Be aware of your “meeting distance” – the farther you can see down the trail the more time you have to react to someone coming toward you.
Meeting distance is also important when encountering wildlife. Bears and moose are not uncommon, coyotes somewhat less so and cougars are rare but not unknown – know how to deal with all of them.
If you do ‘get caught’ don’t worry too much about it, it is a very strange naturist who objects to being seen naked. Offer to cover up and if the textiles decline your kind offer just keep calm and carry on. If they show an interest in naturism stay and talk to them, maybe you can convert them, or at least plant a seed of the idea. Consider this to be evangelization among the clothen.
EQUIPMENT
Some free-hikers insist that the only way to hike truly naked is to do so barefoot and without a pack. There is a word for this. That word is STUPID.
Carry a pack with some reasonable survival equipment and supplies in it, just as you would for any hike. Include an Ace bandage or two against the possibility of a sprain.
If you do not know what constitutes reasonable equipment and supplies DO NOT go hiking, regardless of your wardrobe choice, until such time as you learn.
DO NOT hike without something at hand with which to cover up quickly. A hiking kilt is a good choice. Remember, 'a man in a kilt is a man and a half.'
DO NOT think that you can somehow wriggle your legs into a pair of tight shorts in quick time. More likely you’ll end up arse-first on the ground with your shorts caught on one knee and the other boot. This is not an edifying sight but it is funny for spectators.
DO NOT hike barefoot! No matter what the so-called free-hiking purists say hiking barefoot is deeply, dangerously, irretrievably STUPID. If you injure your feet at some point distant from your car you have a long and painful hobble ahead of you.
Always carry a hiking staff or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Collapsible nordic hiking poles are NOT a reasonable facsimile, they are useless crap as they will likely collapse just when you need them. I carry a walking axe most times. If I plan to go stream walking I bring a two metre long staff instead.
SUMMARY
So those are my own rules, so far at least. Who knows what new rules might be added with further experience.
Get naked, keep calm and have fun.
